Sometimes it's funny. How even someone that considers themselves a writer, a poet, an open and sharing spirit...can find themselves at a loss for words. And at times, my words are a crutch. It's easier to sit and think out what I want to say than to find the voice and courage to speak the words to someone's face. My voice can stammer and stumble, my resolve can falter. But my fingers rarely do, even when they have difficulty finding the right things to set down.

I have spent years, finding numerous ways to attempt to define or express just who I am. And no matter how close I come to doing so, I can't help but think I have failed. There is always something held back, cowering inside. That little bit of self that worries about judgment and acceptance. No matter how confident I become. No matter the armor I build up. I feel like I'm an odd mix of personalities. Logic sits upon one shoulder and emotion on the other and they often debate amongst each other leaving me lost in the middle. Logic will tell me that I don't' need the acceptance of the entire world, that I should be proud of who I am. Emotion leers at him and reminds me how difficult the world can be when everyone is looking down at you. So I remain, all at once, shameless and shamed.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt said that, and boy do I love throwing that quote at people. And yet I play the hypocrite, empowering the small minded. Perhaps, because until recently I have not accepted myself. How then, could I have expected others to? I've fought my own multitude of inner demons for years. And I've finally come to a point in my life that I am no longer in denial. No longer self loathing. The past two years are the first I have felt as though I can accept myself.

See, the thing is I'm not straight. And some people would say I'm not gay (that's another discussion). Which leaves me in some form of middle ground. A place often frowned on by both sides of the spectrum. My heart speeds up and my fingers shake even typing the words now. And logic sits on my shoulder again telling me I may not even have the courage to share what I write now. But, at least it's cathartic. And I'll say it for myself. I'm bisexual.

I ignored it for years, denial is an eager friend when you seek him out. Looking back now I really have to laugh at all the obvious indicators to myself. Things easily dismissed. After all, they say all young people explore all sides of their sexuality at some point in their childhood. But I digress...

My sexuality hit me like a brick to the face some years ago when I realized I had romantic feelings for a female friend. I tried to explain it in all manner of ways, like just "really close friendship". Even when I was with her, I refused to label myself. I told myself, “Oh I'm not bisexual. I don't find every woman attractive, just this one.” Like I find every man attractive, right? Real smooth. It ended badly and because of that I pushed things back into the closet again.

My life eventually provided more handy excuses. "I can't come out, people will question my marriage." One of my biggest fears is that what I am will reflect poorly on my husband. I mean, let's face it, people almost always jump to the worst conclusions. "She must be running around on her husband." "She must be a whore if she likes both genders." But I adore my husband. He's supported me when I didn't even support myself. He accepts me. He is my rock, and I respect and love him immensely.The other side of that coin is, "Well you married a boy, so you aren't gay." "You chose the right team in the end anyway!"

I feel as though I'm rambling, or my thoughts are scattered. Trying to get it all lain out like this, but I need to do it. For myself.

Another thing that's held me back is my faith. I believe in God with all my heart. But I was always taught that alternative sexualities were a sin. A large part of why, for years, I struggled. I couldn't overcome the immense guilt, even when I loved someone. I've come to the point however, that I'm able to say, I don't know if I am right or wrong. But, the Bible says the most important thing in the world is Love right? So how then, can love be wrong? I believe wholeheartedly that, each of us can only live to the best of what we believe is right. And if I am wrong, God will judge me. It's no one else's job. Nor is it mine to judge anyone else on their lifestyle. I have friends from a wide array of walks of life, and each of them is beautiful. None of us should have to hide. I am tired of some of my best friends with the most gorgeous hearts having to hide who or what they feel they are for fear of not just judgement, but because they live in a super conservative area...even death. Is that really what faith should be spreading...guilt, fear, hate, loathing and intolerance? “Your morals aren’t as upstanding as mine.” “I’m right you’re wrong.”

And to those people that say anyone chooses to have a nontraditional sexuality? I can't force you to believe otherwise, I simply can't. But think about it, please... Who would choose to be looked down upon, hated by strangers, friends and even family? Who really wants to have less rights than the general populace? Who wants to be bullied? If God is as petty as the masses and will forgive a murderer for his actions, but chooses to burn me for having a fondness for breasts, well so be it I suppose. I've come to the point in my life where I can accept that as well.

I know many people will disagree with me. I'm fairly sure some of my own family will be among them. I know they'll always love me no matter what, but I don't expect them to always agree with me. I'm sorry I couldn't tell more of you personally, and part of me feels cowardly for doing it like this.

But I'm not a coward. I know that now as well. Everyone comes to terms with themselves in a different way, at a different time. This is my time, and it's been long coming. I will be proud of who I am, and I will love myself.

And if I have the courage to share this I'd like to say to those that take the time to read it, thank you. Whether you are supportive or not, you empower me.

It's difficult to explain why something like "coming out" and sharing one's sexuality feels important.

For me, I think a great deal of it is....admittance. To yourself more than anyone else, that it's ok. And maybe if you can accept yourself, you can show others...that it's alright to be yourself. To not have to hide who you feel you are. Keeping something hidden eats away at too many of us when it’s an integral part of who we are. It places that thought in the back of your mind that, “If I’m hiding it, there must be a reason to be ashamed. There must be something wrong with me.”

And if enough of us realize that we don’t have to live with self doubt, we can begin to inspire others. Maybe hearts will be opened. Maybe minds will be opened as well. Perhaps those are lofty goals and it's simpler to say that maybe, just maybe...people will talk and it will lead to change.

And I don't know about anyone else, but I want to bring my child up in a world that can embrace that change. I never want my child to have to worry about being different. To fear judgement, or to judge others.

So I will stand proud...

My name is Telitha Aann Gildersleeve, and I am sister, a daughter, a wife, a mother, a friend to those who will accept it. I am a poet and a dreamer. I am a Christian, and a believer in freedom and rights for all peoples. I am creative, colorful, spontaneous, over emotional, loving, a touch neurotic, a little OCD, and plenty unbalanced. I just also happen to be a bisexual.